When I was at school, most of my report cards arrived home with the comment “Leanne would do well if she tried”. I didn’t have to try that hard to get by in school, so I mainly coasted with a B or C average, except for the year my father promised to buy me a bicycle if I got all As. I did get all As and I got my bike, but then my grades slipped again the following term.

Not trying became a justification for perceived failure – “well I wasn’t really trying so of course I didn’t do that well”.  I guess I figured it was better to be accused of not really trying than it was to give something my very best and still not be good enough. Unfortunately this coping strategy became habit, and I have done the same thing in other areas of life, particularly those where I am uncertain of success. This has been ok because I have gotten by. But ‘getting by’ is definitely not ok with the horses at Holistequine.

Flicker

While I was grooming Flicker recently, Veronica began feeding the other horses and asked me to keep Flicker with me until I had finished. Flicker wasn’t liking this idea at all, and kept wandering off towards the feed bins. “She’s walking all over you” said Veronica, which reminded me I had been literally walked on by Flicker only a few weeks before! I somehow managed to reach inside and find enough determination to convince Flicker to stand still, but it was hard, and working hard is apparently something I’m not that comfortable with.

Then Veronica asked me to take things to the next level, and gave me Sonny to work with. Flicker and I both tend to get fairly dreamy and relaxed when we’re together, so Veronica wanted me to lift my energy enough that it would lift Sonny’s energy as well. She suggested I ask him to trot alongside me around the paddock. So off I went in a kind of half-jog, dragging behind me a large horse who did not want to do anything but meander at snail’s pace. By the end of our circuit, I was hot and out of breath and Sonny was still barely strolling.

Veronica felt I needed to access this energy inside me in order to complete the lesson, and pushed me to keep going. In the end, Sonny trotted a few feet with me, but I felt exhausted and even a little bit sick. It had taken so much out of me to lift my energy levels to the point where Sonny would trot just a few feet. He forced me to look at how little energy I had been putting into some aspects of my life, and how little stamina I had.

Sonny

Remaining focused on an important goal and following through has often been an issue for me, I tend to find something else I want to start instead. With most goals, I will get there in the end, but only after taking a lot longer and consequently using a lot more effort than is necessary.

Reflecting back to my earlier lesson about being walked on when I lose focus and let my energy get scattered, I also noted that I frequently find it easier to be invisible and keep my opinions and needs to myself. This can result in my becoming resentful when I feel overlooked or misunderstood.

Learned helplessness is a term coined by psychologist and researcher Martin Seligman, relating to a state of feeling a complete inability to have any impact on what is happening to us, in one or more areas of life.  When we experience learned helplessness, we feel as though we have no control over the circumstances we find ourselves in, thereby learning not to try to alter or improve the situation, even if that situation is uncomfortable or painful.  After my experience with Sonny, I knew I’d been experiencing this for a long time.

I usually go away from my sessions with the herd feeling enlightened and empowered, but this day I left feeling perturbed. I knew I needed to raise my energy levels to get what I really want in life, but I hadn’t yet discovered how to do it. It was as though I’d been drifting along trying to resist the current rather than planting my feet down firmly. Exhausting.

Riding with Tom

That afternoon I had a riding lesson.  I had been feeling a little out of my depth with the speed at which I was being asked to take on new skills during these lessons, and I remembered something Veronica had said earlier that day about standing my ground and speaking my truth. Still feeling unsettled, I arrived at the centre and decided to ask my instructor to go over some basic things with me again. She was surprised but agreed to do this, and when we returned to the more advanced work, I not only felt more settled, but I became a lot more engaged in the process.

Once again I recognised how low my level  of participation had been prior to this – I was not really convinced I was capable of riding successfully and so I had coped, as always, by not really trying and not saying anything. Life is definitely a lot more rewarding when you’re fully engaged with it, and I saw that my challenge now was to lift my energy in the important areas of my life to increase my level of engagement, even when those areas felt somewhat threatening.

As Joseph Campbell said, ‘ Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source  of what you are looking for.’  My early Soul Art had told me to plant my feet in the earth while I reached for the sky, and I am expecting the horses to make me work hard as they show me how to do this. However…I’m ready to enter the cave and claim my treasure!