A few weeks ago I was having a lot of trouble getting my riding school horse to MOVE. I told Veronica I needed to come down and work with Sonney again to remind myself how to use my energy to show up in the world and make things happen. She didn’t agree, she thought Sonney had already shown me this and that it was time to do it for myself.

She suggested that maybe Tom was picking up on the fact that I wasn’t comfortable with the process. At Holistequine I’ve been shown how to create a strong mental connection with a horse to ask for what I want, whereas I’ve been taught to kick Tom or hit him lightly with a crop if he won’t respond. I would’ve preferred to do some work on the ground with him first. To Tom I’m just another person who climbs on his back and pushes him around.

Tom has a lot of spirit – he yells at other horses who get in his space and he kicks at the stable door if he thinks he’s missing out on food. He’s well fed, treated with affection, and only works 3 days a week, but he IS a work horse and, like all of us, he gets a little bored.

My job is to remind him what he needs to be doing, but since I only see him once a week for half an hour, we have no real bond or understanding of each other. When he wants to do something different to what I want, my natural tendency is to blame myself and go into what my friend Lucy would call a ‘racket’ – everyone else can do this, what’s wrong with me, this always happens, maybe I should just give up…and so on.

Being ignored!

Back at Holistequine, I insisted I needed Sonney, so down we went to find the herd. As I walked past Ruby and Callisha, I expected Ruby to come over to me as she always does. She glanced at me and went back to munching on her patch of grass. Callisha didn’t even look up. Hmmm. I walked on and found Sonney. He looked at me for a moment, then turned his back on me! I walked further to find India, Etta, Flicker and Prince. No-one was interested in me.

Veronica laughed, she had known they had nothing more to show me. There was still one horse I hadn’t worked with though. As I walked back to find him, I thought about my experience with Tom and what I’ve learned about myself and about horses in the last few months during my lessons from the herd.

Etta

~a lesson in truth~

Etta was the first horse I worked with. She drew my attention immediately because she’s a big white Lippizaner who really shines. When I met the herd for the first time, she was the only one to come over. Since we had both noticed each other, it seemed she was the one I needed to work with. Veronica asked me to find a way to connect with Etta on a level where she would consent to follow me around the yard without being physically led. While I watched Veronica demonstrate this, I went into my ‘racket’ immediately – I won’t be able to do that, I bet I’ll be the only person it doesn’t work for – and of course when it was my turn, Etta looked blankly at me and wouldn’t move.

Veronica explained that horses tune into our essence and ignore all the false stories we hold about ourselves. If WE don’t tune into that part of us, our horse will find our energy confusing and will not want to connect with us. She wondered if I should start with another horse first, but I knew it had to be Etta. I dug deep inside to ask her again to walk with me….and she did! She followed me around the yard and stopped when I stopped. It was an amazing feeling to have this magnificent creature walking with me simply because she chose to, there was no way I could have physically made her do it.

Then Veronica showed me how to pick up her feet. Without even touching Etta, she took her focus down her front leg and then pointed to her hoof, which Etta immediately lifted. I was amazed, and again my stories started – I won’t be able to do that. But I pushed them away (they were getting tedious) and as I focused on Etta’s back right hoof, she lifted it. I was able to do the same with all her feet. It was my first experience at being with a horse on this level, and it was quite an introduction – Etta showed me who I am underneath all the stories I’ve bought into over the years, and how to access that part of myself again.

Flicker

~a lesson in focus~

Flicker is the matriarch of the herd, her energy is gentle and caring, and yet she rules the roost. Etta, although much bigger than Flicker, defers to her. I learned not to forget this when I worked with Flicker. We spent a lot of time together walking and grooming, and we both became very relaxed. But she showed me that no matter how relaxed I get, it’s important to remain present and aware.

I maintained focus to keep her from wandering off to the food bins while I was grooming her, but I let it drop when I was feeding her at the end of our session and she stepped on my foot. It was big lesson in paying attention to what’s going on around me. I spent a lot of my childhood and school years off with the fairies because I wasn’t happy with my ‘here and now’. My school report cards often said ‘Leanne needs to pay more attention!’ It’s too easy now for me to wander off in my mind, which is handy when I’m at the dentist but not at times when I need to pay attention.

It also showed me that not all painful experiences are bad for us. As a quote I came across recently says:

“In life God doesn’t give you the people you want, instead He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be.”

Calisha

~a lesson in appearances~

Callisha is the littlest pony in the herd and is known for digging her feet in and being stubborn. When I stood in front of her and asked her to come to me, she refused. I told Veronica and Karrina who were watching that I couldn’t focus with an audience. I thought I could convince Callisha to come to me if half my attention wasn’t on what my audience were thinking. However they had barely taken five steps away when Callisha suddenly walked right to me – I didn’t have to do anything except put my full attention on what I wanted from her.

It was a shock to realise how distracted I become when I know I’m being observed. To me that means being evaluated, and my response is what is referred to in psychology as ‘fear of negative evaluation’, even when I know logically this is not what my audience is doing. It’s also very inconsistent thinking - I can competently give a lecture to 80 university students but go to pieces when I have to play a short piano piece in front of a handful of other piano students, most children, because I worry about being negatively evaluated in the latter situation!

Callisha is a perfect role model for overcoming this. She will happily roll in the mud until she’s covered in dirt and leaves and her mane is matted and stuck to her body, and she doesn’t care who sees. She does it because it feels good and makes her happy, there is no wrong or right when it comes to mud. There is also no wrong or right when it comes to a lot of things we do, and other people’s negative evaluations say more about them than us. But the truth is a lot of the time people aren’t evaluating us at all, they’re either admiring us for giving it a go, or they’re thinking about what they need to get at the shop on the way home.

Sonney

~a lesson in energy~

Sonney is a powerful force in the herd and he knows how to access this power and use it wisely. In order to learn from him in this area, I needed to match my energy to his, which I found almost impossible. As I later discovered through Prince, my energy levels were turned down to no more than a little spark during my early life so I could become invisible and not overshadow or threaten the people around me. This made getting along in the outside world difficult as I felt so inhibited and had almost forgotten where the volume control was on that little spark to turn it up again.

Being with Sonney required me to do this in order to form enough connection with him to ask him to walk beside me at anything other than a reluctant dragging-behind-me snail’s pace. I realise now that this snail’s pace was Sonney’s demonstration to me of how I had been moving through my life. I get there in the end, but with very little energy exerted and mostly under the radar, still invisible.

I was only able to have Sonney trot a few steps with me on two occasions when I was finally able to find that power source inside me, but as yet I haven’t been able to maintain it for long. Having a clear access to this power source is what allows us to make an impact on the world around us. Sonney gave me permission to turn my pilot light up to full strength and let it burn bright again. I’m still working on this lesson, but I have a shining example in Sonney to remind me of the need to always stand in my power.

Ruby

~a lesson in playfulness~

Ruby gave me a hard time for a number of weeks until I finally understood what she was showing me. She would come to me every time I was at Holistequine but not let me touch her. Sometimes she would make me chase her all over the place and if I ever did get a halter on her, she would push me around with her head or want to go in the opposite direction to me. One of the days I worked with Sonney and was concentrating hard on lifting my energy levels, Ruby started trotting around behind us, almost as though she was mimicking us.

After weeks of this interaction, the penny finally dropped – Ruby was playing. Sometimes when working on all these lessons, I would become so serious and push myself so hard to the point of becoming frustrated with myself. Ruby was telling me to lighten up. When I finally saw this, she was a different pony. If I relaxed and became playful in my approach to her, she let me do what I wanted. It was only when I focused on ‘getting it right’ that she became irreverant and uncooperative. I could almost hear her giggling.

I remember reading a saying a long time ago that said:

“No-one has yet presented a single scrap of creditable evidence to support the proposition that life should be taken seriously”

I think Ruby would like that one.

Prince

~a lesson in freedom~

One of the activities we were asked to do in the business mentorship program I’m currently undertaking was to identify our ‘essence’ words. The first of mine, and the one that stands out the most, was ‘freedom’. To explore our essence, we created a chart that explored and embodied all the ways these words could be represented in our lives. This was an amazing activity that brought out some unexpected and humourous results. For me it meant not fighting my hair any longer trying to make it look ‘professional’, instead letting it grow and be as curly as it likes. I also decided I wanted a tambourine to bang and shake to stir up creativity in workshops, so I bought one.

Claiming the wild and free side of myself has always felt ‘wrong’ as I was raised by people who were not able to do this for themselves, although I think my father tried. He spent a lot of time searching and wandering the world, whereas my mother was able to express herself through activity – she was an amazing gardener, cook, seamstress and painter. But the only emotion ever expressed directly was anger, all the rest were all hidden away. So I also learned to keep everything inside and found my outlet through reading about wild wolves on the tundra and silver brumbies in the Australian Snowy Mountains.

Prince is the horse that embodies all this freedom that I have longed to express in my life. In order to become part of the herd, the other horses have had to channel Prince’s wildness in a way that keeps them all safe. Not long after his arrival, Sonney suddenly grabbed him by the neck and flung him to the ground, pinning him there. Prince got the message and harmony was restored but this hasn’t dimmed his spirit, the herd have simply provided a place for his spirit to flourish in a healthy collaborative way. We all need a tribe or a herd that supports us so that we can express who we are in ways that enhance the lives of those around us, as well as our own.

India

~a lesson in trust~

This is a Feldenkrais technique which horses love. As I pulled back on her tail, India pulled forward to maximise the stretch. We had to trust each other to do this, because if one of us moved the wrong way, the other one of us would have fallen over!

From India I learned to trust myself, even if that means not being ‘nice’. India doesn’t put herself out to please people, she does what feels right for her wellbeing. To win her trust, I had to do the same. When we’re used to being ‘nice’, it can often feel like aggression if we say ‘no’ to something or ask for our needs to be met when we’re not used to doing that. But aggression is about only considering our needs, whereas honouring ourselves also involves honouring others.

As a foal, India was left to fend for herself alone in a field for several months. When we’ve been hurt or abandoned, it’s hard to imagine how we can ever trust again, yet the only person we really have to trust in order to stay safe is ourselves. If we’re honouring our own needs and listening to that little voice inside as India does, we usually end up making choices that are in line with our own wellbeing while still being respectful of the feelings of others. We may disappoint someone in the process, but we also trust in their ability to take care of their own needs instead of trying to do that for them, at the expense of our own.

Dallas

~a lesson in fortitude~

Dallas is the last horse I worked with, a beautiful pinto Veronica saved from the dogger. His body is twisted and deformed, possibly from being used in barrel racing when he isn’t built for that, and he walks oddly as a result. I found him lurking under the house in the carport area where it’s cool. As I put the halter on him, I started wondering if I should be asking him to walk around the yard in the sun with me. What if it was painful or uncomfortable for him? But I soon learned not to feel sorry for Dallas.

Each time I started to feel guilty for asking him to do something, he would lose interest in me and stop to munch on the grass. It was only when I accepted that he was very capable of doing what I asked that he paid me any attention. Dallas has been through a lot of trauma, but is able to look after himself and can be pushy and demanding when he wants something. Feeling sorry for him and worrying about hurting him does not win any respect from him.

I saw that this applied to Tom as well. At my next riding lesson, Tom and I trotted well together so my instructor suggested I was ready for do a circuit of the school by myself. However the moment we went off by ourselves Tom refused to go into trot. I tried everything but he ignored me. It was a hot day and I’d been feeling bad that he was sweating, and sure enough when we got around to the shady side, off we trotted! As Dallas had shown me, feeling sorry for people (and horses) does not bring out the best in them or us.

As a result of my lessons from the herd, I am finishing 2011 a lot wiser than I started!